Queen of Denial
by LittleLizzieZentara
Summary: No one does denial like Kate Beckett.  Especially when it has to do with her feelings for Rick Castle.
1. Chapter 1

**I actually wrote this a while ago, but I wanted to wait until the 2****nd**** chapter came to me before I posted this. For those of you that are reading "The Beckett Clones" I should have the next chapter up before too long. After waiting so long for the second part of this story to formulate in my head, I wanted to get it written out first, which made me eager to post this first part. The next chapter for "The Beckett Clones" will most likely be posted before I post the end of this story.**

Kate Beckett had had enough. She refused to be taken down by fear. She'd survived in the face of possible radiation poisoning and being trapped in a freezer. She'd been less than a second away from being taken out by a nuclear bomb. She'd even been shot at by a professional sniper. Yet she was still standing.

Fear was at the heart of everything. It was the reason she'd allowed herself to sink up to her neck in the quicksand of denial. Castle had tried time after time to throw her a rope to pull her to safety, to the truth. The rope of his running into a burning building to rescue her hadn't even been noticed by the normally observant detective. The rope of his admitting that he was jealous of his mentee, Alex Conrad, had been held for a brief moment but then dropped. In L.A., when he'd tried to give her the rope of revealing to her how amazed he was by the depth of her strength and her heart and her hotness she had thrown it back at him.

Castle had also thrown her the life preserver of always, not once, but twice. Kate had even grabbed onto to it for a brief moment, saying "always" when Castle had thanked her for telling him she was a one writer girl. But she had released it almost as soon as she'd grabbed it and allowed herself to sink even deeper into the sand.

Finally, when the effects of her denial were threatening not just her heart but her life, Castle had tried to yank her out by accusing her of hiding in relationships with men she didn't love. Instead of letting him pull her to solid ground, Kate had wrestled out of his grasp and burrowed deeper into the sand that had the potential to destroy her.

But Kate had heard him, when Castle had brokenly told her loved her. She'd been tempted, when she'd woken up in the hospital, to tell him that she loved him, too. Instead, she'd let fear have its way again. Even almost dying hadn't been enough to give her the courage she needed. Kate knew Castle saw her as this amazingly brave woman, and when it came to her work, she was. When it came to dealing with issues of the heart, however, the fear she battled was staggering. It had taken everything she had to deal with her recovery from the shooting; she hadn't had anything left to beat the fear back.

But now Kate was done. If she was anything, she was a fighter. Every day on the job she fought for justice for the victims and their families. The problem was she'd been fighting her feelings for Castle, too. In the beginning, it had made sense. All she had known about him was that he was a playboy with a gift for writing compelling murder mysteries. It didn't take her long, though, to discover that the playboy persona was only a small part of who he was, and that much of it was overblown by the media. Even in the face of clear evidence that Rick Castle was a man she could rely on, a man she could trust with her heart, Kate still fought on.

The last time she had spoken with Lanie, the M.E. had called her the queen of denial. No more. Kate loved Castle with everything that was in her, and she was through denying it. She had finally pulled herself out of the sand.


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow, I looked at how long it's been since I posted the first chapter and I was shocked. It's actually taken months for my muse to allow me to finish this chapter. I started writing this right before 'Rise'-I was actually in the middle of writing it when the show came on. After watching that episode, my momentum was gone. There was so much angst in that episode that I couldn't handle writing a story with any real angst in it. I also wanted to keep this chapter from going AU (although considering that Halloween is only a few days away, it will be AU after that episode, unless Andrew Marlowe decides to give shippers a Halloween present). The problem was the phone call that Castle got in 'Rise,' which I didn't know about when I started writing this. It didn't work with this chapter, unless I wanted to lose any fluff this chapter may have had. So I've finally decided that this chapter is going to be slightly AU-in this story, Castle didn't receive that call until AFTER this story ended. Everything else in 'Rise' and the episodes following did happen. I guess you could say this chapter takes place shortly after last week's episode and before next week's.**

**Fair warning, Kate may be somewhat OOC in this chapter. I've tried to keep her as true to character as possible, but since this chapter is all about Kate being done with denial, (I have a feeling we'll still have to wait a while for her to be at that point in the show) some OOC things may have snuck in.**

"You were right, Castle."

The words caused Rick to almost drop the bowl that he was holding. His hands gave a startled jerk that caused some wadded candy wrappers to spill to the floor. The last hour had been spent with the two of them cleaning up after Castle's annual Halloween party. She had been in the family room taking down decorations while he had been taking care of putting the food away. Now she was standing no more than a couple feet away from him in the kitchen. Castle set the bowl on the counter and gave his full attention to Kate.

"I was hiding," she continued, lifting her green gaze to his blue one. "Just like you said I was."

Rick arched an eyebrow at that. The only time he could remember telling the detective that she was hiding was when he'd confronted her about being in relationships with men she didn't love. He was sure that wasn't what she was referring to. It was practically impossible. Kate Beckett did not open up about matters of the heart, not to him.

"I was hiding in my relationship with Josh," she further explained. "I never loved him, not really. He wasn't much more than a distraction."

Rick waited for her to continue, but she lowered her gaze and remained silent. There were so many places Rick's mind could go with that comment, but for once he didn't want to spin a story.

"From what?" he asked softly.

Kate took a deep breath and once again met his gaze with her own. "From you," she admitted her voice barely above a whisper.

Rick's eyes widened at that. He wasn't quite sure how to respond. After everything that had happened in the last few months, the way she had kept such an emotional distance from him since the shooting at Montgomery's funeral, he had been very careful about how he acted around her. The last thing he wanted was for his reaction to make her retreat even further from him.

"There's a reason I picked this costume," Kate continued, gesturing at her outfit.

The sudden jump in topic only confused Rick further. He had been delighted at the slightly daring Cleopatra costume Kate had chosen. The white dress was somewhat low-cut and ended mid-thigh. She hadn't worn the matching black wig, instead allowing her own wavy brown hair to cascade unrestrained down her back. He had been glad; he loved her hair almost as much as her eyes What had clued Rick in that she was supposed to be Cleopatra was the golden snake at the top of the crown that she wore. She hadn't even worn the standard dark eye make-up that the Egyptian queen was famous for.

But what did her dressing up as Cleopatra have to do with her relationship with Josh? Or the apparent role the doctor had played in being a distraction?

"Lanie accused me of being in denial," Kate said. "And I was. So much that you could call me the 'queen of denial."  
>Finally, it dawned on him. "Cleopatra," he said.<p>

"Cleopatra," Kate agreed. "So many people tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. Lanie, Agent Shaw, Maddie..."

Rick couldn't suppress a grin at that one.

_You're hot for Castle. You want to make little Castle babies._

From his position in the observation room, Rick hadn't missed the way Maddie's words had flustered Kate. What had really stuck out in his mind, though, was the fact that she hadn't denied it. After all of the times Kate had quickly corrected anyone that assumed that she and Rick were a couple, Rick had been completely surprised that she hadn't just as swiftly corrected Maddie's erroneous assumption.

He had wondered then, and ever since, if that had been because Kate's high school friend had been right. Especially after Rick had teased her about hearing what Maddie had said because, once again, Kate hadn't said a word in rebuttal. He had fully expected her to say, "In your dreams, Castle." Instead she had done nothing more than stammer and bring their attention back to the case they'd been working on.

The words were out of Rick's mouth before he could stop himself. "So Maddie was right?"

Once again, Kate surprised him. "Maddie was right," she confirmed. "At the time I was in complete denial about it. But yeah, she was right." She groaned and hid her face in her hands.

Rick couldn't resist the impulse to put a hand on her arm. "Kate?"

Slowly, Kate lowered her hands and looked at him, her eyes filled with remorse. "I'm so sorry, Castle," she said. "I put us through so much needless crap because I was too scared to see what was obvious even to total strangers."

"Hey," Rick put his hands on her shoulders, "don't be so hard on yourself."

"How can you say that?" Kate cried. "You were furious when you accused me of hiding in my relationship with Josh!"  
>Rick sighed. "Kate that had much more to do with my fear over you getting yourself killed trying to solve your mother's murder. I won't lie and say that the whole thing with Josh didn't bother me-"<p>

"And that we never really talk about what we are to each other," Kate reminded him.

"That, too," Rick was quick to agree. "But my anger had more to do with my frustration at not being able to get through to you. I was trying everything I could think of to get you to stay safe."  
>"While I was doing everything I could to push you away." Kate winced at the memory of that awful fight where she had told them they were over. "I didn't mean a word of it. I was just so hurt that you wouldn't back me up, so mad that the one person I was sure would support me in finding justice no longer thought it was possible."<p>

"I know." Rick sighed. "I hated that I had to do that. But I hated the thought of you dead more. I couldn't have handled that."

"Lanie told me what it was like for you," Kate said, "when I got shot and at the hospital, when everyone wasn't sure I would make it." Tears started welling in her eyes but didn't fall. "I'm so sorry I put you through that. After Lanie told me, I kept thinking, 'What if it had been you?' What if you had been the one to get shot? I would have been devastated. That's when it clicked, when I realize what hell I put you through."

"But that's behind us now," Rick assured her.

Kate shook her head. "Not completely," Kate said. "But I'm trying. I'm done denying things, Rick. I know I said that I needed to wait until I caught my mom's killer-"

"_We_ caught your mom's killer," Rick corrected.

Kate nodded her acknowledgement of his words. "But I can't do it anymore," she continued. "I don't _want _to do it anymore. There is a wall inside of me, I wasn't lying about that."

"Lying?" Rick quickly caught on to the importance of the word. "What were you lying about, Kate?"

"So many things," Kate admitted with a soft sigh. "Mostly, I was lying to myself. But that spilled over into lying to you."

"About what?" Rick pressed. Pushing her wasn't something Rick usually did. But she had said it herself-she was done being in denial. And he wanted to know everything she was willing to tell him.

Rick was startled by the fear that leapt into Kate's eyes before she quickly closed them. "I remember," she whispered. She kept her eyes tightly shut, as if she couldn't bear the thought of seeing his reaction. "I heard you, when I was shot. Your words were the last thing I remember until after the surgery. I never forgot what you said. I just..."

Rick knew he should be mad. He should be hurt. But right now all he could feel was concern for the woman before him.

"You just what, Kate?" Rick gently prompted.

"I was terrified," she confessed. She opened her eyes then but kept her gaze downward, refusing to look at him.

Rick was confused; his love terrified her? Why? When she continued he realized it was his feelings that terrified her. It was hers. "Getting shot broke something in me," she went on. "The numbness that had protected me for so long was gone."

Rick wasn't sure what she meant. Her emotions had been all over the place from the time Hal Lockwood (or whatever his real name was; they had found out the name was nothing more than an alias for the criminal) had escaped from prison until she was shot.

Kate quickly kept talking, as if she understood, even expected his confusion to her comment. Heck, she probably did.

"I didn't even realize the change until I saw you again," she told him. "I've never needed anyone before. Since my mom's murder, I haven't let myself need anyone. The numbness kept anything from getting too overwhelming, made it so I could handle things on my own. But I needed you. When you walked into that hospital room, all I could feel was how much I needed you. More than anything, I wanted to ask you to say it again. The longing to get away from everything and just be with you was so strong that I wasn't sure if I would be able to fight it back. And that terrified me. All I could think to do was try my best to hide it from you. I asked for space because it was the only thing I could think to do. I knew that if I saw you, day after day, the need would just continue to get stronger. Sending you away was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I even cried myself to sleep that first week, wishing you were there, holding me, telling me everything was going to work out, even if it didn't."

Her words were a sucker punch to his heart. Knowing that she had wanted him, needed him, and he hadn't been there... He shuddered. It didn't matter to his heart that his absence was because she had demanded it. All he could feel was pain that she had suffered alone.

Rick couldn't take it any more. He _needed_ to touch her, to hold her. Hoping it wouldn't stop her flow of words, he gathered her in his arms. Her body tensed for a brief moment before she settled into his embrace.

She was quiet for so long Rick almost regretted his actions. She was finally opening up to him, being brutally honest, and now she'd fallen silent. He was tempted to fill the silence, but something told him that there was more.

"You said that I was hiding in my mom's case," Kate finally said. "You were right. Especially when I returned to the precinct. I had to focus on solving her murder. Not just because I couldn't handle the thought of giving up, which I couldn't. You know that, you saw that. But because even after three months apart, the need for you was still clawing at my heart, demanding to get out. I couldn't stand it. You said you were amazed by the depth of my strength; the last thing I wanted was to show you how weak I really was. It was because of you that I was able to break through the panic and do my job again? Do you remember? I was fighting back the panic when you told me I could do it. And that was why I could. You helped me be _me _again. You pulled me out of the rabbit hole of my mother's case. I think you're the only one who could."

Rick was stunned. He had hoped that his encouragement when she'd faced that suspect's gun had helped in some small way. To know that the help he had given her was anything but small, on top of everything she had already said was almost too much for his brain to process.

She had changed after that case. Rick hadn't been oblivious to the way she had changed after that case, how she had seemed softer, somehow. He had noticed the way she smiled at him, how her irritation at his theories had been replaced by amusement. It had been like a weight had been lifted from her. Never would it have occurred to him that he was the one that had helped her lift it.

"So there you go," Kate said, and leaning back slightly, finally looked him in the eyes. Rick could read the determination, along with a faint, lingering fear.

Rick knew he needed time to process everything that had been said. Now that they were truly communicating for the first time ever, he wanted to make sure that he responded to every part of what she said.

But it was late. And Rick knew that sharing her emotions like that had to be draining. He couldn't leave it without letting her know how much it had meant to him, that she had finally allowed him to see clearly inside her heart.

"Kate, I do love you," he assured her. "I will tell you as many times as you'll let me. So much that you'll be tired of hearing it."  
>"I have loved you for so long, and waited so long to hear you say how you really feel," Kate said, "that I don't think getting tired of hearing it is possible."<p>

Rick smiled at that. Well, if that was the case...

"I love you, Kate," he said again. "I love you. I love you. I love you..."

**Wow, Kate had more to say than even I expected! I really thought this chapter wouldn't be much longer than the first one. Glad I was wrong. :)**

**So, what did you guys think of this one?**


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